Infamous Alcove Quotes 2000

For those of you who do not know, the alcove is term referring to a little corner of St. Ursula where we (the names mentioned below) eat lunch and it also refers to the group of people who are filthy enough to eat there. The following is a record from the beginning of this year of the humorous or just plain stupid things we say on a regular basis, proving that intelligent people are crazier then the rest of the world.

Quick 'n' Easy Index:

SEX, SEX, and more SEX: The alcove on the dirty deed, strange sexual behavior, and dating in the ’00s! (Not that it is a regular topic of discussion or anything.)

 Peggy: You have to admit you have problems if you’ll fuck anything that moves.

Peggy: For a bunch of people who have never had sex, we sure do talk about it a lot.

Peggy: No, they can get a penile fracture that way.—(Laughter by alcove)—Seriously, I read it in Men’s Health.

Nicki: I want to travel and have sex.

Critter: It feels good to be a virgin everyday, but today, I felt great.

Carolyn: Should we have sex? Let’s drink, then decide.

Chelsea: Sorry, I’m already married to a woman!!!

Robin(regarding a circumcision gone wrong): They fried it!

Peggy (describing hers and Critter’s attempts at dating): We’re really unsuccessful man-izers!

Peggy (continuing to describe hers and Critter’s attempts at dating): We’ll have to scare their pants off it we can’t get them off any other way!

Peggy’s father on men: Men are like buses, they’ll be another one along in a few minutes.

Courtney M: Critter, I do not need to know about the solitary sexual habits of bovines!

Courtney M: I don’t want anybody else, ’cause when I think about you I milk myself, Mooo!

Courtney M: Damn it, someone is bi and it isn’t me!

Mrs. Mueller (during sex ed): Men are like cars without brakes.

Mrs. Mueller (later in the same speech): Men are like microwaves, and women are like ovens. It takes us a while to heat up.

Thoughts by Chelsea, Peggy, and Carolyn: Hot guy siamese twins: Better is separated? Depends on where they’re attached.

Sheet on refusing sexual advances we received in morality (that is oh so helpful):
Line 14: I can really turn you on.
*Reply: the only thing that needs to be turned on is the lights.
Line 15: Want to go upstairs and check out my new waterbed?
*Reply: No, I don’t swim.
Line 22: Sex makes you have a good complexion.
*Reply: Your concern for my complexion is touching, but I’d much rather use make-up.
(sorry guys, now we know how to refuse those sly sexual advances of yours!)


Food for Thought: Life’s a picnic at the alcove



Carolyn: I think the alcove is beginning to have a distinctive smell.

Mrs. Davis: What do you think this is, your own picnic area?
Alcove (unanimously): Yes!

Mrs. Markey: You know, you’re blocking the fire exit.

Courtney M: NO ENTRANCE!

Critter: That’s not a booger, that’s pasta!

Nicki: I always get spaghetti up my nose!

Quote on the wall: The man once told me I’d have to move, as though if there were a fire I would not run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Sonya (upon discovering ants in the alcove): What’s a picnic without ants?

Random inspirational sign on the wall that the alcove "improved": We attract [bugs] by the qualities we display. We retain then by the qualities we posses.

Sonya: Stand right there till I’m done with my apple so a can throw it at you. (long pause)
Sarah Korfagen: NO!

Mr. Salens: Look, now you have your own little picnic. All you need now is ants.
Random alcove members: We already have them!

Courtney M (on the watered-down pseudo-juice for sale in our brand-new "juice" vending machines bought to appease the non-pop drinkers): That juice is evil.
Chelsea: Actually, its only 95% evil. The other five percent is actually juice.

Mrs. Arbona: You people look like refugees!

Critter (while offering Courtney M. Cheeze-its and doing a scary dance): Just busta move!

Chelsea: Abby, your soup smells like B.O.

Courtney’s locker sign: Eat while sitting on the floor, and you are a filthy animal. Eat while sitting on a blanket that lying on the floor, and you are having a picnic.

Random person walking through the alcove: That’s a door and you shouldn’t sit there.

It Came From the Alcove: It’s a nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit.


Susan: If you ever smell vegetable soup, you know it’s me. Sonya: Yeah, and if you smell Skyline chili, it’s me.

Critter: What’s that smell? Oh, it’s Sonya.

Mr. Dauner: It’s cold out.
Sonya: Yeah, my boogers are frozen.
(Mr. Dauner looks horrified and blinks eyes)

Sonya (upon smelling Critter’s fart): That fart smelt like rotten eggs!
Critter: You’ll never forget this, will you?
Sonya: No, it smells too bad.


The Multitalented Critter: Perfection in parking and vending machines

Peggy (on Critter’s driving abilities): Courtney decides to share a parking space with Carolyn, instead of taking one of the fifteen empty spaces next to her car.

Mrs. Arbona: Who would ever want to get married if they weren’t going to have kids?
Critter: I would!
Chelsea: Courtney, those hips should be used for something besides vending machines!

Chelsea: No, it’s stuck!!! Good Lord, someone get Critter!

Carolyn: Critter, I have a problem.
Critter: Which machine?

Peggy (on Critter’s inability to park): You know she’s horny, just look at that parking job! Now that’s a promiscuous driver!

Critter (on her driving abilities): I’m such a promiscuous driver!

Peggy: Guitar Man is not worthy of touching the shrine that is your butt.
Critter: Ah, very true.
Chelsea: Yeah Critter, that butt should only be used on vending machines.

Theories on life: Maxims and malapropisms

Courtney: It’s a travesty!
Carolyn: No, it’s a malapropism.

Nicki: I’m frustrated, because I sometimes I feel like I need to go out and do great things, and I don’t feel like it.

Ms. Arbona: Peggy, you were serious when you were little, but now you’ve gotten a little goofy.

Chelsea: Otherwise, you could burn off your fingerprints and be a really good cook.

Critter: It’s great living in your own delusional world because you feel so cool all the time.

Critter (while giving Guitar man money): Don’t worry, this time its only money.

Peggy: That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard, and I said it!
Candi (commenting on Abby’s denial of her squealing her brakes): YEAH! RIGHT!
Sonya: I’m so weird, I don’t know how to act normal.

Chelsea (commenting on Carolyn’s use of animal tranquilizers in her job as a vet tech): One for the kitty, one for me!

Erin: Chelsea, the reason you talk so loud is instead of having inner peace, you have a heavy metal band.

Chelsea: Erin, don’t give me an attitude about my attitude!

Academic Team Question Reader: Sammy Adams: A signer and a good beer guy.

Neal: A queer bird sits hunched over, can’t be weird like that!

Sonya: It’s not underlined!!!

Courtney (explaining the art history AP to Erin): The ancient Africans practiced the art of lost cast waxing, I mean lost wax casting, I mean-
Chelsea: How about wost cow maxing?
Peggy: How about cows masturbating?
Critter: Cows masturbating? What? How could they do that with their hooves? I guess they’d need a fence.
Courtney M: Critter, I do not need to know about the solitary sexual habits of bovines.

Courtney (on baked potato day): Ah lak putatahs!

Mrs. Markey (to the alcove): You’re corrupting Lauren!

Peggy (regarding Nicki’s ability to put spaghetti up the nose): Now that’s a party skill!
Susan: do you want to hear a party skill? Peter can stick two dollars in quarters up his nose!

Erin: Look at the snow, look at the snow!

Nicki: I’ve never had a rooster down my pants!

Peggy: Only Chelsea has a forehead that men would kill for! (amazingly enough this conversation started off as an intelligent discussion on the Talaban)

(Academic team clue, the answer of which started with the letter ‘W’: "An Australian marsupial related to the kangaroo".)
Critter: A wyandot!!
Courtney M: What the fuck is a wyandot?!!?
Critter: You know in the Frente! song! "Waiting for the wyandot…"
Courtney M: That’s wind-up you moron! And it’s a wombat!

(Chelsea and Critter are very happy walking to French after lunch, so they begin to make noises like the chef in the Little Mermaid does.)
Chelsea: (chef noise)
Critter: (chef noise) You sound like the guy in the Little Mermaid.
Chelsea: Yeah, like the cookman?
Critter: Cookman?? I think you mean chef Chels.
(The two laugh hysterically for a good 10 minutes. Unfortunately, this conversation ended up giving Critter another nickname—like she needs anymore)

Critter: You know what Chels? If I ever shave my genitals, you can tell who ever you want.

Chelsea (while doing a French project with Critter): Oh! Fix that little bugger!
Critter (sarcastically): Alright Chels, I’ll get that bugger!

Chelsea (on pooh parties and STDs): The question is can STDs be transferred in a soapy environment from crotch to foot to crotch?

Random person says to Chelsea during a pooh party: Either I have just been fingered or toed!

Critter (while talking to Courtney M on the phone): Shutup, I’m not done comparing Mary P. to Hitler!!!

Courtney M: Evil cat go away…aahhhh (random cat screeches and hissing)… (in a sad, whiny voice) evil cat.

Sheet on Alcoholism we got during morality: Greg is passed out…and needs medical attention.
Peggy: Critter, that explains why Guitar Man hasn’t called.

Sonya: Ten cents to feel my leg!! (scarily enough she made 20 cents—doesn’t that make you wonder what else goes on at St. Ursula Academy?)

An Intelligent View on Biology from Scientific Geniuses

Carolyn (After spending 15 minutes on an extremely complex problem to get the number three): I do not know what to do with this new information.

Chelsea: Well, just call me Hardy-Weinberg.

Critter (8:30 on a Saturday morning at school, reading a Science Olympics lab manual): Everyone listen to this! "This exercise will be conducted using a variety of roasted peanuts in the shell. Once the exercise is completed, students may feel free to consume the peanuts. Please properly dispose of the shells." They may feel free to consume the peanuts! (Critter laughs hysterically for the next 5 minutes while the rest of the team looks on in confusion.)

Poetic Justice: Eloquence at its best

I ain’t got no number,
I ain’t got no soul,
The only thing I’ve got is a sweeeet cresent roll!
—Nicki


Otis Spunkmeyer
We love your chocolate muffins
Otis Spunkmeyer
—Courtney M, Peggy, Critter, with help from the rest of the alcove

I yearn for popcorn
I stuff handfuls in my mouth
Deliciously good
—Critter

Chelsea’s Vending Machine Haikus (we take crappy food seriously)

Natural flavor popcorn

A curse upon the cove

The gods are angry.

Brown sugar pop tart

When not in the machine

I must weep for it

That stupid freshman

Just bought the last pop tart

Which I yearned to eat

Now that you have read this, aren’t you thanking God for your sanity?

If not, you should be…

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