GUEST APPEARANCES, CAMEOS & ONE-SHOT WONDERS
"I looooove watchin' a movie where someone gets shot!! --I'm a COP!"
-St. Ursula's guest Safety Cop (Figures, doesn't it?)
"How would you like your friend to reach for her diploma at graduation and not be able to receive it... because she doesn't have an arm?????"
-our friendly school safety cop once again (Followed, of course, by barely stifled Alcove laughter)
EMAIL FROM TESS:
Let's examine this member of the local constabularie's logic:
The more the violence/aggression you are exposed to the more violent/aggressive thoughts you will have and the more violent/agressive you will be toward others.
NOW as an officer of the law he has gone through substantial training and watched (at least we are made to believe he has) numerous videos, etc. on violence. He has been exposed to a hell of a lot of violence in his day.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If I still have two arms at graduation he will in fact rip one off of me.
your stumpy elf
"My brains were rushing to my head!"
-Sam Grier, on the dangers of actually being awake in The Beim's government class
"Quest me, baby!"
"Don't mind her, she's just gimpy."
--MC(ompton), on Alanna
"That challenges the patriarchy on about a million levels."
--Dr. Jones on lesbianism
"That kind of book can turn people weird! That's the kind of stuff the government bans! It's bad for your health, man!"
--Fran, on Tess' 17th-birthday present to Peggy
Karen Bolten to Peggy: "You're the one-horned devil!"
"I know where you were. You were with those *people*!"
--Mrs. Butz to Jen, referring to everyone's favorite filthy floor-dwellers
"We're PEOPLE! People with SOULS!! People with SOULS that HURT when you call us 'PEOPLE'!!!"
--Alanna joins the cast of 'Wuthering Heights' and is promptly smacked several times, while responding to Mrs. Butz's comment above
ON THE DARK SIDE OF "LOVE"
"If I ever killed Paul, it would be an assassination because it would be politically motivated."
Alanna's comforting advice to Peggy on her boy troubles:
Alanna: You just can't do any better at this point!!
Peggy: Oh, thanks!
Alanna: Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that!
Peggy: I don’t know why I'm asking you. You're the least emotionally stable person ever!
"Can you estimate your worth in camels?"
--Tess' #1 dating question
ON PARENTS AND THEIR SPAWN--ER, CHILDREN
"It's people like you that make our parents want to be cool."
--Alanna to Peggy
Critter: I realized a few years ago that I was intellectually superior to my parents.
Peggy: [raises eyebrows] That ego knows no bounds!
"Abby brings out the five-year-old boy in all of us."
"I'm gonna put my parents in a classy old-folks' home."
"You bit your mother? Savage wench!
--MC (Compton), to Alanna, upon hearing her Cake Story
ON ANNOYING HABITS
Abby to Peggy: "You breathe too much!"
Courtney to Nicki: "You bastard! Quit breathing!"
"I've been at this school so long that just a hug won't do. I have to get a leg in there!"
--Peggy tries to explain the early-morning hump-hugs
"You guys are good at practicing. You suck!"
--Abby, on other people's religion-video-making skills
AN-AR-CHY IN THE OOOO-H!
[Peggy & Abby are in Abby's car on the way to a party at Andrew Neyer's.]
Abby: Is anyone else from the alcove coming?
Peggy: [thinks] No, I guess it's up to us to create anarchy at this party.
Peggy: Well, it's up to ME to create anarchy at this party.
"Less is more when it comes to anarchy."
"Anarchy: Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Visigoth!"
--Peggy's toga-party costume motto
Chelsea's T-Shirt, a designer original by Peggy:
FRONT: Anarchy Club President
BACK: Follow My Rules!!
THE SIMPSONSMAY OR MAY NOT RUN OUR LIVES
Alanna: Hey Meg, what's that movie with Mel Gibson, where the guy doesn't have a face?
Meghan: You mean, "The Man Without a Face"?
*Uprorious laughter from Alanna*
Meghan: That reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer says "There was that movie about the bus that would SPEED and there was a bomb on the bus and if the SPEED of the bus went below 50 or something, the SPEED of the bus would cause the bus to explode. I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
*More uncontrolable laughter from Alanna, followed by...*
Alanna: I JUST HAD A SIMPSONS MOMENT! I'VE TASTED BLISS! I CAN DIE NOW!
* At this point, the laughter has reached a level so danerous that Alanna and Meghan both have to be slapped in order to remember that breathing is essential to life.*
"Ms. Hoover, there's a phallus in my milk!"
--Alanna, in Martin (from The Simpsons) voice
BITTER, BITTER, BITTER
"I had quotes last year, but nobody used them 'cause they weren't funny."
"Where's my butt?? I want my butt back!!!"
--Critter angrily demands the missing pictures
"You're not threatened that I can kick your ass, Alanna?"
--Abby, the Mad Accountant
"You bastard, you broke my liver!"
"I wish Paul's world was real! I wish PMS was fake, and we could use it to trick people!"
"In comparison to good taste, it blew chunks!"
--Alanna, on the NBC miniseries "Jason & The Argonauts"
"What's that?--A man!--KILL IT!"
--Chels, on self-defense at all-girls' schools
SEX & SEXUALITY--ARE ALWAYS A PLUS!!
"That's very efficient. And economical!"
--Nicki, on Peggy's suggestion that she and Joe share a hot Italian man as their Alcove Spring Break Souvenir™
"I'm not crazy, I'm virginal, you whore!!"
--Alanna to Abby
"Peggy, get you crack-spoon out of the sex dirt!"
--Dr. Jones, who followed this remark with:
"Bet you never thought you'd hear that in English class!"
Peggy: Hey, Carolyn! We're Aries-es, I guess that makes us Aryan!
Chelsea: What about Virgo?
Alanna: You're a virgin for life!
Chelsea: Dammit! My life is over!
"Brett, honey, I'm just afraid you're going to have a hard time meeting girls if all your friends are dating each other…"
-Mo Jennings (Chels' mom) on Brett's dating woes
"Abby could never be a stripper. She has no rhythm. She could be a prostitute, though."
--Alanna, Peggy, & Jen speculate on Abby's job prospects in the sex industry
"I AM a porn star, guys!"
--Abby's still trying to convince us
"I was a freshman! I'd never seen a boob before!"
--Jen's scarring experiences
"A bad breast? How can you have a bad breast?"
"Can we just drop it, Alanna?"
"But what if her other breast was phenomenal? They don't always match, you know. What if he's dumping her because she has a bad breast, and the other one's phenomenal? Wouldn't that be ironic?"
"ALANNA! SHUT UP!"
--Alanna vs. everyone else at lunch
GREAT MOMENTS (& SEX) IN GREAT LITERATURE
"I think it symbolizes prostitution."
--Nicki, on Frost's "Acquainted with the Night"
"It all goes back to reader-response theory. I mean, what were YOU thinking?"
--Dr. Jones, on Nicki's interpretation of "Acquainted with the Night"
"I heard Oprah buzz when I died!"
-Chels reinterprets Emily Dickinson for the modern age
"I mean, what's wrong with that? So he brought her jelly! [long pause] OH!"
--Alanna's revelation on Tennyson's "St. Agnes' Eve"
"Hope stole my wallet!"
"That's not so much dirty as… Unsanitary."
--Peggy, on Latin poetry
"So she was after the cake but I wouldn't let her have it so we were tugging back and forth and I may or may not have bitten her and now I'm in all this trouble!"
--Alanna's confession, Wuthering Heights style
"You bit the Cake Nazi?!?"
-Chels' response to Alanna
9 GRT KDS
Chelsea: I bet they've got nine great kids.
Meghan: Or nine really super goats!
POPCORN & CROTCHES
Alanna: Your crotch is warm!
Peggy: Yes, there are several people's heads in it.
"Ha! Mad snappage from the crotch dwellers!"
Alanna: We're deep in the depths of Peggy's crotch--a place where no man has ever gone before.
Critter: [laughs hysterically, then suddenly stops, stricken] Oh God, is that true??
"I'm sorry, we can't use this. You see, we discovered that only 68% of the liquid in your veins is actually blood. The rest is microwave popcorn."
--Chels, predicting the results of the Alcove's attempt to donate blood en masse
"It's been too long since I've felt the lovely warmth of popcorn in my crotch."
ALCOVITE WISDOM, PROVERBS, & LIFE LESSONS
"But you know what? The more logic skills you have, the less diaphanous or ethereal a life experience you have."
"All we have to do to get Chelsea in this locker is cut off her head and stick it on the shelf!"
"Get your own stupid kid! This one's mine!"
--Peggy attempts to divert attention from the fact that she doesn't know her tutoring victim's name
"What are you talking about? She was mine FIRST!"
--Abby's response to Peggy's above quote
"It comes out easier than it goes it--just like a tampon."
--Tess, on the Cranley sign
"I beg to differ..."
--Critter, in response to Tess
"Life's just more fun when you're easily amused."
--Peggy tries to convert her dental hygienist to the ways of Life as She Sees Fit
"Like Peggy and I are the symbols of mental health."
--Alanna (truer words were never spoken)
"It really sucks when people you like fall off the face of the earth."
"I am so much cooler than the Beatles. You don't even begin to understand."
"See, for us, 'normal' is just weird without a theme."
--Peggy, on mixer getups
"Why don't you just hit yourself in the head with an ugly Mongol butt stick when you get up in the morning?"
--Chelsea, who should under no circumstances be allowed a medical practice in this or any other country
"Some people have hidden talents… and no apparent ones."
"You guys, this stuff is SATAN! Satan doesn't EXPIRE!"
--Chelsea, on FruitWorks pseudojuice
--Carolyn (while sitting in a corner of the lunchroom staring at a table full of salad and pondering life's big questions)
"Sometimes I don't like getting in trouble. This is not one of those times."
"Every time I lose faith in humanity I eat in the alcove and all is well."
"I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?"
-- author unknown via Kate Bruce (Almost Carolyn's senior quote)
"St. Ursula is just a school and hell is just a sauna."
PHYSICAL EXERTIONS OTHER THAN SEX (Awww, man!)
"If my arms weren't THROBBING, Peggy, I'd use them to kick your ASS!"
--Abby, after Peggy took her along to the gym for lacrosse conditioning at the Y
"Sometimes I pee like a monster."
Alanna: God did not give me these hips for childbirth.
Chelsea: Yeah, they're to fucking kill me!
"God and I are gonna play Ultimate Frisbee, wanna come?"
LET'S GET METAPHYSICAL
Alanna & Chelsea: I'd like to jigga-size my chakras, please!
COMMUNIST FOOD RUNS
(as recorded by Chels)
tess and nicki and chels are at the vending machine with community money trying to buy community food...
tess: oh, no! no pretzels! we could get popcorn, but i don't really want to.
chels: yeah, we had popcorn for breakfast.
tess: that's funny because it's true! i think we are on a communist food run.
nicki and chels: ...yes, you're right! we're communist eaters!
(we then discovered a mispricing that enabled us to get 3 packs of granola bars for 60 cents...so we're corrupt and communist... practically cuba!)
back in homeroom-
us: we've got the food!
mrs. campbell: what are you doing? where have you been? never leave homeroom without telling me!
nicki: sometimes i don't like getting in trouble. this is not one of those times.
tess & chelsea: *sigh* always getting static from the free world...
*** the most ironic part: we made our communist food run through a red white and blue hallway while wearing those colors, and i may or may not have been wearing my anarchy club shirt.
*** important point to note: vending machines do not respond to "being talked nicely to"
GREAT COSTUMES (AND LACK THEREOF)
"Strippers don't wear capes!"
--Peggy, after Alann informs her that her proposed getup of red cape, black dress, red heels, black feather boa, and devil horns will make her look like a stripper
"The Dateless Wonder is so much more than just not having a date!"
--Critter's lame attempt to defend her secret identity against Chip-tonyte
"Having to a toga party drunk is one thing. Having one sober is a completely different matter."
"With jeans that tight you have to have a butt shot!"
--Critter, on the "80s Mixer"
"Brining back the 80s one mixer at a time!"
--The 'Cove's new Mission Statement (thanks Chels!)
"Bringing back the 80s one tube sock at a time?"
--Peggy's is not as cool.
Alanna: Gee, that is a festive scarf.
Peggy: Yeah, it's not the sort of thing a man could wear.
Peggy: [thinks] THIS IS CRAZY!!! I AM LOSING AT STRIP-CONNECT-FRICKIN'-FOUR!!!!! AND IN LIKE 10 MINUTES, IF THIS KEEPS UP, I'M GONNA BE FRICKIN' NAKED!!!!!!!! RRRRGH!!! [flings pieces]
Charlie: [laughs hysterically]
"Being in a toga drunk is one thing; being in a toga sober is a completely different matter."
--Critter, on what separates one of our toga parties from anyone else's
"I mean, without my torso area, where would the world be?"
"I've just got a lot of rage, I guess!"
--Alanna, the fabled Vending-Machine Smasher
THINGS WE NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN WITHOUT THE BEIM'S GOVERNMENT CLASS
The Beim: Did you know Ohio did not become a state until 1953 because they forgot to sign the papers?
Sam: And you wonder why our Presidents die.
Excerpt from a secret communiqué from the Mossy Green Ranger (Chelsea) and Captain Anarchy (Peggy):
Facts I wouldn't know without US Government:
"The Vice-President is the actual President's bitch."
Chelsea: "Note to self: become elector or vice president. Both jobs require very little qualification & very much slacking."
MIDGETS & OTHER SMALL WONDERS
Email from Tess, responding to the alcove plea to her to take over the country:
I accept all of the aforementioned terms of my rule under the united alcove regime. I only have one addendum: The show West Wing must go off the air. In its place will be "Viva la Alcove". Occasionally, as your president, I will replace the regularly scheduled "Viva la Alcove" with not a state of the alcove but rather- CANADIAN MIDGETS: A MOCKUMENTARY BY TESS KLEINHAUS. No, folks, I haven't given up the dream. I want those midgets damn it.
"Is it wrong to want to go to Midgetville if nobody lives there?"
--Jen's moral/ethical dilemma
Peggy: [aghast] I get a technical foul for momentarily forgetting the name of Vanilla Ice?
Meghan: You know the rules!
Jenny: I just walked in at the wrong time…
Peggy: With us, it's always the wrong time.
"A dingo ate my brain-y!"
--Alanna's hypothesis about Peggy's headache
"Colleen, no one person resembles a stereotype more than you."
--Chelsea, to Colleen Haines
"Ack! Get your wet gerbily head offa me! Don't drip on Chelsea! Don't drip on Chelsea!"
--Chelsea, panicking as Critter collapses on her, laughing, after Alanna sprays Critter with the water bottle
miss nash, commenting on her raspy voice: i sound like i ate camels for breakfast
student: do people really eat camels?
miss nash: (pause) i meant like a pack of camels
chels: (under her breath because no one else understands) i wonder how many packs of camels i'm worth…
"Taking the lame joke when no one else will."
--Peggy's new motto
"What's that smell?"
--the unison senior response to all who passed through senior hall after Abby attempted to warm water in her metal-and-rubber mug in the lower lounge microwaves
"Well, I was T-13 years old when they landed on the moon in my basement."
--Alanna finally admits it
AND THE NAME OF THE GAME WAS…
The Anarchy Club
The Ralph Nader Fan Club
Popcorn Lovers Anonymous
Those People Who Eat on the Floor
The International Association for the Advancement of Schnecken
The John Cusak Fan Club
The Future Vice-Presidents of the United States of America
The Secret Society of the Crumb & Ant
(Hey, we stick with what works…)
EMAIL from CHELSEA to PEGGY
the main reason you and i should start a band?
"The whole point of punk rock, really, is to entertain yourself by forming a band. If you manage to entertain a few other people along the way, that’s swell."
anarchy in the oh!
no shirt, no shoes, no schnecken. no parking, no loitering, no exit, no nonsense. batteries not included, see stores for details, some rules and restrictions may apply.
Three Posers and a Monkey
The Flaming Canines
Debilitating Intestinal Cramps
OTHER PEOPLE'S WORDS OF WISDOM
EMAIL FROM COURTNEY:
Hey everybody, I was at a random, weird-ass web page made by someone who didn't appear to know the business end of a keyboard. There was a section entitled "Words of Wisdom," which was a long list of random phrases that so reminded me of the alcove that I couldn't help but composing an email, organized by who they remind me of most.
If you cannot find your pants, don't go outside.
Eating paper is not an efficient way of recycling.
When food has hair, that's a bad sign.
There are moments in life when you just have to stop and take a dance break.
The road to hell is paved with republicans.
Somtimes, having connections in the mafia makes life so much easier.
When facing a crisis situation, just ask yourself, "What would Shaft do?"
Rabid monkeys make very bad pets.
Beware of small children. Especially small angry children with sharp pointy teeth. They'll kick you when you're down.
Work out stress through interpretive dance.
Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens: Good. Crack up your noses and smack in your veins: Bad
Never worship Satan. Satan gets all the stupid people as followers. Do you want to be in the Stupid Club? No I don't think so. Do you want to be called Mr/Mrs Stupid head? No, I don't think so.
Cove in general:
Never smoke a chipmunk. They don't appreciate it.
If anyone ever asks you if you want to buy a dead hamster run away.
Never stick a bean up your nose, or any other foreign object, no matter how good it smells.
Don't eat your hand.
Never trust anyone who smells like crayons. They're probably hiding something.
Hot = Ouch
Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.
And that is that.