Grimm's Fairy Tales REVISITED:
And the Seven Groupies
Sept. 18, 1999
Categories: Par, I, H, Alt, ML, Yaoi-HR
Disclaimer: As usual... Me no own. Please no sue.
Note: Lesli's used with permission. Nothing/no one else is.
Summary: Kateri's production team is plagued by lack of funding... Just like some other JQ writers we know. (However, I find her bad script infinitely more amusing than some...)
Thanks to: Francis, my Ghetto li'l Bro, for help on the Queen's Posse dialogue
Hadji:[tied to a chair on a stage; nervous] So what exactly are you planning to do with me?
Kateri: [seated in director's chair; evil grin] Relax, Hadji baby. You'll love it.
Hadji: [gulp] Why does that scare me?
Kateri: [raises megaphone] CUE THE LIGHTS!
Minion in charge of Lighting: Aye aye! [aims spotlight at Hadji]
Kateri: Great. Are we rolling?
Minion in charge of Cameras: Yes Ma'am!
Kateri: Great. CUE THE NARRATOR!
Peggles: Why did I let you talk me into this?
Kateri: Because I'm just COOL like that. [Vaseline smile] Okay, ACTION!
Minions #3-6: [struggle with the special effects machines]
Peggles: [narrator voice] As many of you know, Glenn Leopold told the world Hadji's story in "Bloodlines." But did he tell the REAL story??
PsychoKat: I sure hope not.
Kateri: GET OUT OF HERE!
PsychoKat: [sticks out her tongue]
Peggles: [narrator voice] Of course not. That's why we in Peggy's Head are proud to present...
Minion in charge of Sound Effects: [inserts drumroll]
Peggles: [narrator voice] The Real Story.
Kateri: CUT! Okay, dissolve to flashback...
SFX Minions: [insert wavy lines and odd lights]
PsychoKat: OoOoOh, pretty!
Peggles: [narrator voice] A long time ago, in a land far, faaaaar away-
Kateri: [annoyed] Actually, yes. Since you raided my checking account for your little "remodeling project"-
PsychoKat: You blew up the bathroom!!
Kateri: [waves hand] Details. Anyway, this was all I could get.
PsychoKat: You stole it from "Bloodlines," didn't you!
Kateri: That's not all I stole.
Peggles: [annoyed] Do you mind if I go on?
Kateri: [waves hand] Whatever.
Peggles: Right. So, a long, looong time ago, in a land far, faaaar away, there was a king--
Peggy: Actually, if we're in Bangalore, there's a democratically elected leader.
Peggles: WHATEVER. A guy named Haresh. Neela was his wife. They were in charge of Agrabangalore.
Kateri: CUE THE HOME MOVIES!!
SFX Minion #3: [begins to roll home movies of Neela and Haresh similar to Hadji's childhood memories]
Peggles: And Haresh and Neela had a kid with cheeks as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony, and a turban as white as snow, and they named him Snow White Turban.
Kateri: We couldn't afford enough makeup to make you pale.
PsychoKat: [pinches his cheek] Plus you've got such nice skin tone as it is!!
Peggles: ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING... [glares]
Kateri: [rolls eyes]
Peggles: But then Snow White Turban's mother--
Peggles: The script says MOTHER.
Kateri: Well *I* say FATHER!
Hadji: How 'bout we just don't kill either of them??
Kateri: Look, just do it. It's Haresh that dies. If Haresh was his mother, this would work out fine.
Peggles: Okay. Snow White Turban's mother, Haresh, died.
Hadji: Wait a minute! You--
Kateri: [gags him]
Kateri: Much better. Moving on...
Peggles: And the King remarried Deepak, who was eeeeevil.
Kateri: Eh, close enough.
Peggles: And every day, Evil Queen Deepak asked the mirror on his bedroom wall,
Deepak: [peers at script] What's this say? The light in here is awful.
Minion in charge of Lighting: [aims spotlight at Deepak's paper]
Deepak: AAAH! Glare!! [sheilds his eyes]
Minion in charge of Lighting: MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!! [turns down the spotlight]
Deepak: [blinks several times] "Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the jiggy-est of them all?" [pause] Jiggy-est?
Kateri: [blinks] Let me see that. [Grabs Deepak's script] That's what it says, all right. [annoyed] I have GOT to get a better writer for these adaptations.
Pegasus: What's wrong with it?
Kateri: [pause] Oh, gawd, don't tell me YOU wrote this!!
Pegasus: [preening] I did it all by myself, too.
Kateri: [flings script at Deepak angrily] GREAT! That's all I need...
Pegasus: [pouting] What's wrong with it?
PsychoKat: [quirks one eyebrow] You HAVE to ASK?
PsychoKat: [sigh] Of COURSE you do. [to Kateri] Look, just keep going, and if it gets really bad, we'll improvise.
Kateri: Fine. ACTION!
Deepak: I still don't get it. What does "jiggy" mean?
Mirror: Fear not, O Queen, for you ARE the jiggy-est.
Deepak: Me? REALLY? [bats eyelashes]
PsychoKat: I thought he didn't know what it meant.
Kateri: Hey, he catches on quick.
Peggles: But a few short years later, when Snow White Turban was still a very small boy, and not the hunky babe we know and love--Pegasus, what did you DO?
Pegasus: It's TRUUUUE!
Peggles: [heavy sigh] Right. Whatever. Anyway, Deepak kept on being the jiggy-est Queen Agrabangalore had ever seen, when one day...
Deepak: "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the jiggy-est of all?"
Mirror: O Queen, you used to be the jiggy-est by far, but now, I am afraid to say, your young nephew Snow White Turban has surpassed you in jiggy-ness. What's worse, he's a lot more fly than Your Highness will ever be.
Deepak: [drops Prada bag and whips off Ray-ban sunglasses] WHAT? How could it be? ALL the girlies say I'm *awfully* fly for a Queen!
Mirror: I'm sorry, O Queen, but you're no longer the flyest G in the
Agrabangalore 'hood. He may be young, Your Highness, but he's still da bomb.
Deepak: The what?
Mirror: It's in the script.
Deepak: Well, it doesn't matter!! [angry] SEND FOR MY POSSE!!
Kateri: CUE THE QUEEN'S POSSE!!
[a group of guys enters in oversized, baggy pants, with their boxers hanging out, and tank tops/undershirts on; several have disturbingly greasy hair]
Queen's Posse Member #1: Yo-yo-yo mah Queen-homie, whu's UP?
QPM #2-3: [give Deepak high-fives]
Deepak: Listen up, mofos! We got some WHACK news up in here!!
QP: [listen intently]
Deepak: Some wanna-be's been DISSIN' mah FLAVA!!
QP: [mumble angrily]
QPM #2: Yo, man, tell us who it is! That sorry chump's about to catch hissef a BEAT-DOWN!!
QPM #3: [gesticulating oddly with hands and almost bouncing] I's about ta whip out my nine an' BUS' a cap!!
PsychoKat: This is ridiculous.
Kateri: Isn't that the point?
Deepak: Okay, okay, my homies, lissen up. All you gotta do is off Snow White. Then I'll be the jiggy-est guy in Agrabangalore!!
Peggles: So the Queen's Posse hired Pasha the Peddler to... "off"... Snow White Turban.
Hadji: [bound and gagged on stage] MMMPH??
Kateri: Relax, we got a stand-in.
Minion dressed as Little Hadji: I am NOT amused.
PsychoKat: I thought the Posse was gonna do it themselves.
Kateri: [shrugs] They're lazy.
Peggles: SO... Pasha the Peddler--
Pasha: Hey, Kateri baby!
Kateri: Pasha! [pretends to kiss his cheeks, European-style] Kiss kiss!
Pasha: How's it hangin?
Kateri: You would not believe how hard it is to find good help these days! I mean-
Kateri: [glares] See what I mean?
Peggles: Could we PLEASE get on with this??
Kateri: [waves hand] Whatever.
Peggles: So Pasha was going to kill Snow White Turban...
Pasha: [chases Minion dressed as Little Hadji]
MDALH: AAAH! [flees]
Peggles: But because Snow White Turban was so cute,
Peggles: Pasha instead decided to help him escape.
Pasha: Take a left at the intersection, then go--
Peggles: So Snow White Turban fled the palace. King Neela--
Neela: Excuse me?
Peggles: Was distraught, but Queen Deepak--
Peggles: Told her that Snow White Turban was dead.
Pasha: I brought the ruby from Snow White's Turban as proof!
Deepak: [holding ruby and giggling] I'm jiggy with that!!
Pasha: I just hope Queen Deepak doesn't find out what I did!!
Peggles: So Snow White Turban followed Pasha's directions through the cold, dark, scary streets of Agrabangalore until he arrived at a small house. He checked the address, knocked on the door, and went in.
MDALH: [knock knock] Hello? Hellooooo!!
Peggles: But no one was home, so he took a nap.
MDALH: But I'm not SLEEPY!!
Kateri: Dude, forget it. Just cut to a few years later.
SFX Minions: AYE AYE!! [insert wavy lines]
Kateri: [unties Hadji] This is where you come in.
Hadji: Oh, this is not good...
Kateri: You haven't even seen the script!
Hadji: That's what worries me.
Minion in charge of Casting: Um, Kateri?
MicoC: we have a problem...
Kateri: Stupid Union of Dwarves and Little People. Okay, we'll improvise.
PsychoKat: [evil grin] My favorite part!!
[A few minutes later...]
[Jessie, Jade, Irena Kafka, Pegasus, PsychoKat, and Courtney stand inside the cabin, dressed in matching outfits of various colors and holding scripts. Jessie is arguing with Kateri.]
Jessie: I don't WANT to be a groupie!!
Kateri: [sigh] Just fake it, okay? It's not like you have to DO anything!!
Jessie: [angry glare] FINE. But I'd better get paid VERY WELL for this.
Courtney: [wanders around poking things] Nice set design.
Kateri: Thanks. I recycled it from "Little Red Riding Hood." Kathy Martin had nice taste.
PsychoKat: And her cookies tasted nice as well.
Kateri: Whatever. Right, let's get to work!
Minion #8: Snow White and the Seven Groupies, Act 2, take one!!
Jessie: [mutters angrily]
PsychoKat: It just works out that way. Don't worry, we don't have much of a role.
Pegasus: [heart-shaped eyes] Haaaaadjiiiiii....
Peggles: Right, moving on with the script...[clears throat] Snow White Turban was living happily with the Seven Groupies who had taken him in so many years ago.
Hadji: Seven? [counts] I only see six.
Kateri: Getting greedy, are we?
Hadji: [blushes bright red] That is NOT what I meant!! It's just that there are supposed to be seven...
Kateri: [grin] Right, right. Let's see, we've got... [points at Jessie] Bi--
Minion in charge of Details: WAIT! You can't say that!! We're trying to keep a "G" rating here!!
Jessie: [evil glare] I don't like that name either.
Kateri: Well, it's certainly applicable. Okay, okay. "Witchy" over here is groupie number one, and then there's--
Jade: [languidly] I believe I'm next.
Kateri: Slutty, and Dopey--
Irena: [slightly confused] Do we have piano here? And where are we, anyway?
Kateri: And Ditzy...
Pegasus: [stupid giggle] Gosh, I'd hate to have THAT name!!
PsychoKat: [raises one eyebrow] Um... Yeah.
Kateri: ...And PsychoKat's Crazy, and then--
Kateri: Shouldn't that be "Roc"?
Courtney: I would prefer "Big Cheese Wheel," but your assistant said that was too long.
Kateri: Whatever. Where's--
[there's a loud crashing sound as a blond-haired blur falls through the
ceiling and lands in Hadji's arms.]
Lesli: Sorry I'm late!!
Kateri: Lesli! [grin] Good, then. We're all here.
Hadji: [covered with plaster dust] Oh, this is not good...
Kateri: Okay, people, we've wasted enough time!! Let's get that film rolling!! Aaaaaand... ACTION!!
Peggles: Snow White Turban lived happily for many years with his seven groupies, "Witchy," Slutty, Dopey, Crazy, Ditzy, Lesli, and Roc, in the cabin so recently evacuated by Kathy Martin, until one day...
Kateri: CUT TO THRONE ROOM!!
Deepak: WHAT? ::stops a foot:: You be makin' dat up, huh?
Mirror: No, my Queen, I'm sorry. It seems that, indeed, there is one in the land of Agrabangalore that is more jiggy, more fly, more slammin' than yourself.
Deepak: [loud gasp] Not--more SLAMMIN'!!
Mirror: I'm afraid so.
Deepak: Well, tell me who dis chump is!
Mirror: It is your nephew, Snow White Turban. He's currently shacking up with seven of his groupies in a cabin on the outskirts of town.
Hadji, Jessie, Lesli, & Deepak: WHAAAT?
Hadji: [embarrased] We are not "shacking up"!!
Jessie: [angry] I am NOT a groupie!!
Lesli: [annoyed] I have to SHARE?
Deepak: [surprised] He ain't DEAD?
Mirror: It would appear not.
Deepak: My boys 'n' me'll see who he think he is, darin' to be jiggy-er than his Queen... [stomps out]
Kateri: Excuse me? Jess, Les, Hadj... YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THIS SCENE!!
Hadji: I find it pays to be alert when there are MLers about.
Lesli: [nods] Right. Speaking of which, Hadji, baby, I've got a little proposition for you... How 'bout we ditch the rest of these chicks and go over to Ina's place?
Hadji: [looks a bit frightened] ...
Jessie: YES! Please! Get him out of here!! I don't wanna be a groupie!!
Kateri: Would you mind sticking with the script, please? [aside] Honestly, I don't know why I bother. Actors. Sheesh!
Jessie: Script, my butt! I QUIT! [storms off]
Kateri: [sigh] Oh, forget it. With that many Groupies in this tiny cabin, no one'll notice one missing.
Peggles: And so, Queen Deepak and his Posse jumped in their chariots--
PsychoKat: Don't you mean "dey lo' ridahs"?
Peggles: [glare] This is stupid enough already. It doesn't need your help.
PsychoKat: [glare] Who put superglue on YOUR toilet seat?
Peggles: [annoyed] I beleive that was YOU, actually. Last Tuesday.
PsychoKat: [sweatdrop] Oh yeah... Sorry 'bout that.
Peggles: [clears throat] Queen Deepak juiced up his low-rider chariot and made his way to Hadji's cottage.
Hadji: [attempting to pry Pegasus off of his leg] Can we get this over with, please?
[Queen Deepak & his Posse gather at the door of Kathy's cottage.]
Deepak: [bangs on door] YO! I got some... Uh...
QPM #1: GhettoScout Cookies!
Deepak: Yeah! Some GhettoScout Cookies!
QPM #2: [whispers to Deepak] We spiked 'em wit da nastiest stuff we could find!
Deepak: [quiet evil laughter]
Hadji: [opens door] Um... Hello...
Lesli: [peering over his shoulder] Did they say "GhettoScout"?
Courtney (Roc): Is Jen there?
PsychoKat: Um... No. Just four skanky guys.
Hadji: [raising one eyebrow] Can I help you?
QPM #3: Yo! Wassap, ma brutha? We gots a special on dese here GhettoScout Cookies.
QPM #2: Here, try one! [shoves cookie in Courtney's mouth]
Courtney (Roc): Mmmm! Limburger cheese!!
Deepak: [hisses to Posse] Please tell me that's not what you spiked the rest of them with!
QPM #3: Yo, yo, yo! Chill, homie-dawg! We's just playin! Dis cookie HERE's the spiked one.
Deepak: Right! [grabs cookie, shoves into Hadji's mouth]
Lesli: [curious] How's it taste?
Hadji: [munch munch] Not bad. I'll take a box.
Deepak: [steaming] Take 'em all. [grabs Posse and runs back to Low-Rider Chariots]
Hadji: [munch munch] What odd-looking Girl Scouts.
Lesli: [grabs a cookie and munches away] I'll say. Hey, good cookies, though!
Peggles: Little did the Queen's Posse realize... Tofu isn't poisonous.
Hadji: I love these cookies!!
Courtney (Roc): [pout] We're out of limburger-flavored cookies!
Pegasus: [choking on tofu-cookie] EEEW! These are, like, WAY non-cool!
PsychoKat: Don't you mean "non-JIGGY"?
Peggles: But Snow White Turban fell into a deep sleep anyway, because that's what the script said.
Pegasus: Well, I had to keep the plot intact!
PsychoKat: [quirks an eyebrow] At what point did you decide that?
Kateri: Whatever. KATIE!
Minion in charge of Continuity (Katie): Yes ma'am! [salutes, cocks tranquilizer gun]
Hadji: [gulp] Oh, dear...
Lesli: [shields him with her body] STOP! I won't let you!
Katie: Move or I'll shoot!
PsychoKat: [munches popcorn] OoOoOh, this is better than "Cops"!
Katie: [shoots tranquilizer]
Lesli: Eep! [dodges] Sorry, Hadji.
Hadji: Yipes! [pulls tranquilizer out of chest] Well, it doesn't seem to be very quick-acting.
Katie: [reads label on gun] ...Oops...
Kateri: [grabs gun] What do you mean, "Oops"? [reads label] Pfft...WAHAHAHAHA!!
Hadji: [eyes Kateri] I have a bad feeling about this...
PsychoKat: Lemmee see that. [Grabs gun] BWAHAHAHA!!
Hadji: What's going on?
PsychoKat: Where's Jessie?
Kateri: [stifling laughter] She quit.
PsychoKat: [evil grin] Which means that...
Kateri: Our Handsome Prince is due here any minute.
PsychoKat & Kateri: [laugh maniacally]
Hadji: This is NOT good...
Jonny: [knocks on door] Anybody home?
Kateri: One stereotypical hero, right on time!
PsychoKat: Hadji! Look who it is!
Hadji: [looks at Jonny] Wha-- [double take] JONNY! [bats eyelashes] Hello! [grabs Jonny's hand] Nice to see you, my prince! Quick, rescue me from these vile tempstresses!! It's you I really love!
Lesli: [facefault] But-- what---
PsychoKat: [holds up dart gun] HR Converter Gun. Ponchita left it here last weekend.
Lesli: So you mean...
PsychoKat: [nods] Since Jessie quit, the only character around to make this an HR fic is...
Hadji: [hugging] JONNY!
Lesli: [glares] How annoying.
Peggles: [apologetic] Well, it *is* in the script. [points] "And Snow White Turban fell madly in love with the blond prince."
Pegasus: Let me see that! [grabs] I meant princESS!
PsychoKat: [evil grin] Well, you *were* supposed to stick to the original story.
Kateri: And far be it for us to start paying attention to traditional gender roles NOW, what with King Neela and Jiggy Queen Deepak ruling the Republic of Bangalore so well. And Snow White being male.
Pegasus: No fair!
PsychoKat: 'Sides, they're a cute couple.
Jonny & Hadji: [holding hands and walking out to Jonny's carriage]
Peggles: [narrator voice] And they all lived happily ever after. The Groupies disbanded and moved on with their lives, except for Pegasus, who never got over it, and comforted herself with shopping, causing a boom in Agrabangalore's economy and squandering all profits from this production. Jonny and Hadji lived a happy life in Hawaii, where their marriage was legally recognized, and where they wouldn't have to worry about Hadji's inherent jiggy-ness offending Queen Deepak, who was quite jiggy in his own right. The End.
Pegasus: I don't LIKE that ending!
Kateri: Tough. We're out of film.
Author's Notes:Whew! Long one. ::grin:: But I found it very amusing. Maybe that's just me. C&C always gratefully accepted and built small shrines to...
(Jen, that's "Comments & Criticisms," not some bad boy band, you GhettoScout freak).