Grimm's Fairy Tales REVISITED:


Date: Jan. 30, 1999

Rating: G

Rating Summary: H, I, DBN, HR

Disclaimer: The usual: my patented easy-to-understand (even for HB executives) disclaimer!

  Me no own. Please no sue.


**note: what follows is insanity. I do not agree with Kateri on anything except that the season two writers should all be tied up. However, where she wants to talk to them about character development, I personally would prefer to impale some of them with my Lacrosse stick. Thank you. Peggy.**

Kateri: [evil grin] I've been talking to the season two writers [gestures off screen to where a whole bunch of people are tied together in a big clump]and we've decided that this Jessie stuff is getting WAY out of line. Come on! She's a GIRL! We can't have her running around in non-pink clothes doing stuff like HELPING the Quest team or SAVING people. As punishment for her resistance to our efforts to "feminize" her, we have talked her agent into letting her help us out with a few things- namely, Rapunzel.

Goons: [drag in a struggling Jessie, dressed in a frilly pink ballgown (think Rapunzel Barbie)]

Jessie: Let go of me, you CREEPS!

Goons: [drop her and leave]

Jessie: [brushes herself off]

Kateri: [dons her Oakleys] Lights!

Jessie: [sheilds her eyes from sudden brightness]

Kateri: Scenery!

Jessie: [gasps as a tower suddenly shoots up under her and bushes and trees appear creating a primeval forest.] Hey!

Note: The characters may start off weird, but assume drugs. For the most part,they get more and more like themselves as the story goes on.


Kateri: [backing away slowly] A-a-a-a-a-nd.....Action! Rapunzel as retold by Peggy & the Peeples in her Head

Peggy: [narrator voice] The Beautiful Jessica was combing her long, long, red hair up in the tower where she had lived her entire life. Humming a little tune to herself, she braided her silky locks. She fleetingly wondered what it would be like to have her hair cut really short-- up to her shoulders, maybe--just like her guardian's. Her guardian was Anaya the Sorceress, who had raised her from a baby up in the tower. The tower had no stairs or door, but several large windows. Jessica began to hum softly to herself as she scrubbed the floor of the tower. Her humming grew louder and louder until she was singing. She loved doing domestic work like this! She didn't know how Anaya the Sorceress could possibly be brave enough to venture out in the wide, wide world without someone to protect her. Then she remembered that Anaya was a sorceress.

PsychoKat: She's dumb as a cow! Look at her, scrubbing away! What does she mean, "without someone to protect her?" Kateri, those drugs you gave her must work really, really well.

Peggy: [glares at PsychoKat] Ahem? [narrator voice]...Just as the Beautiful Jessica's beautiful singing reached its peak, the Handsome Prince Jonathan and his Wise Page Hadji rode by outside.

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Come, Wise Page Hadji! We must find the girl who is singing so beautifully. Undoubtably she will be as beautiful as her voice."

Wise Page Hadji: "I don't know about that, Prince Jonathan. That assumption got you into trouble last week. Remember the Ugly Old Crone With A Beautiful Singing Voice? You almost vowed to marry her before you found out she was a good six thousand years older than you."

Handsome Prince Jonathan: [shifts uncomfortably] "You may be right, Wise Page Hadji. Come. I will climb that tree over yonder, that I might peer into the window of the tower and make sure that it is not inhabited by another Ugly Old Crone With A Beautiful Singing Voice."

Peggy: [narrator voice] Handsome Prince Jonathan then climbed the tree. Upon seeing the lovely Jessica, he fell out of the tree at the Wise Page Hadji's feet.

Minion in Charge of Sound Effects: FWUMP!!!

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Oh, Wise Page Hadji! In that tower lives the most beautiful girl I have ever seen! Since I am on a Quest to find a beautiful princess to be my wife, I must rescue her from the tower so that we may be wedand live happily ever after!"

Wise Page Hadji: "Not so fast, Prince Jonathan! Remember last Friday? You almost married the Devastatingly Beautiful Princess With Homicidal Tendencies. It would be wise to at least be properly introduced before making any decisions regarding marriage. And what makes you think she needs rescuing? She seems to be the picture of domestic tranquility."

Peggy: [narrator voice] The Handsome Prince Jonathan was still eager to fulfil his Quest-

PsychoKat: Oh, come on. That's gotta be the worst pun I've heard all day.

Kateri: CUT!!! Hey, look, if you don't like it, you can just-

PsychoKat: Just what?

Peggy: Guys! Please!

PsychoKat & Kateri: Sorry.

Peggy: Thank you. [narrator voice] The Handsome Prince Jonathan was still eager to fulfil his Quest- no pun intended- to find a beautiful princess to be his wife. He convinced the reluctant Wise Page Hadji to help him find a way to get to the beautiful Jessica.

Handsome Prince Jonathan: [thinks] "I know! I will call up to her and have her lower her beautiful hair from a window, so that I might climb to her chambers and be properly introduced."

Wise Page Hadji: [reluctantly] "If I may say so, Prince Jonathan, that seems like a bad-"

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Nonsense!"

Peggy: [narrator voice] -cut in the Handsome Prince Jonathan. He strode boldly to the tower and called out,

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Beautiful Lady! Lower your long, long hair, that I might climb to your chambers and be properly introduced!"

Jessica: [leaning out the window] "You mean you're going to climb on my hair?"

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Yes!"

Jessica: [doubtful] "Um... Okay... Just a minute." [disappears into the tower]

Kateri: Cue the hair!!!

Peggy: [narrator voice] The Beautiful Jessica's long, silky red hair came cascading over the windowsill.

Wise Page Hadji: "Um, Prince Jonathan, please-"

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Don't interrupt, please! I'm trying- umpf!- to climb- oof!- up this to my lady's chambers!"

Peggy: [narrator voice] When the Handsome Prince Jonathan had nearly reached the windowsill, the Beautiful Jessica leaned out to see what progress he had made.

Handsome Prince Jonathan: [startled] "Wait a minute! If I'm climbing your hair... How can you be leaning out the window?"

Peggy: [narrator voice] And with that, the Beautiful Jessica laughed-

Beautiful Jessica: "Hahahahaha!"

Peggy: [narrator voice] -And told them what she had done.

Beautiful Jessica: "I cut it!" [shows off shorter hair]

Wise Page Hadji: "Ingenious."

Beautiful Jessica: "Thank you."

Peggy: [narrator voice] But the Handsome Prince Jonathan was not so easily satisfied.

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "So... you... cut your hair..."

Wise Page Hadji: [rolls his eyes] "Allow me to cut short this farce. I am the Wise Page Hadji, assisstant to King Benton and Queen Meach of Emellerville."

Beautiful Jessica: "Where?"

PsychoKat: [annoyed] Yet another bad pun. Just ignore them.

Pegasus: A...pun?

PsychoKat: You know, M-L-er-ville...

Pegasus: I still don't get it.

PsychoKat: [rolls eyes] Why am I not surprised?

Kateri: SHUTUP! We're filming here!

Pegasus: [sweatdrop] Sorry!

PsychoKat: Whatever.

Peggy: An-yway... [narrator voice] Next, the Wise Page Hadji introduced his companion:

Wise Page Hadji: "...and this is King Benton's son, Prince Jonathan."

Kateri: Cut, cut! Hey, Hadji baby, the whole point of this is the odd names. Soooo... he's "Handsome Prince Jonathan," 'kay?

Wise Page Hadji: That's entirely a matter of opinion.

Beautiful Jessica: "Nice to meet you, Wise Page Hadji. I', my name is Jessica, but I'm not sure what my title is."

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "How 'bout "Slammin' Jess-Babe?""

Beautiful Jessica: "Um... how 'bout NOT?" [rolls eyes]

PsychoKat: Ah, the drugs begin to wear off. [amusedly evil grin]

Wise Page Hadji: "How is it that you do not know your title?"

Beautiful Jessica: "Well, I've never been out of the tower, really, and I have no idea what the outside world is like! So I've never had to introduce myself before. I'm afraid I'm kinda...clueless!"

Wise Page Hadji: [looking at Handsome Prince Jonathan still trying to climb the hair but slipping downward faster than he moves up; mutters] "Who does that remind me of?"

Beautiful Jessica: [doesn't hear him] "My guardian, Anaya the Sorceress, should be back any-"

Anaya the Sorceress: [appears in a poof of smoke, floating behind Handsome Prince Jonathan] "Aha! Visitors to the tower!"

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Aaaah!"

Peggy: [narrator voice] Surprised, the Handsome Prince Jonathan lost his grip and plummeted to the ground.

Minion in charge of Sound Effects: FWUMP!!

Wise Page Hadji: "Hello, I am the Wise Page Hadji, assistant to-"

Anaya the Sorceress: "Well, hel-LO, Hadji!"

Wise Page Hadji: [flustered] "Um... Yes, well..."

PsychoKat: HEY! It's MY job to sexually harass hot guys around here, and I'll be-

Kateri: QUIET!!! [hits PsychoKat with the megaphone]

PsychoKat: Oof...

Peggy: [narrator voice] Suddenly, Anaya the Sorceress and the Wise Page Hadji noticed that the Handsome Prince Jonathan seemed to be arguing with the Beautiful Jessica. They watched for a few minutes as the Beautiful Jessica screamed at the Handsome Prince Jonathan, and laughed a bit when she began to pull his hair and kick at him. He merely whined and complained about her unladylike behavior...

Handsome Prince Jonathan: "Ow! Who RAISED you, WOLVES???"

Jessica: "Why... I... oughta... You jerk! How DARE you insult my Beautiful Pink Dress? I'll have you know that this was given to me by a very nice man, a Mr. Lance Falk, and if you have a problem with that, why-"

PsychoKat: Oh, that's MUCH better. Except for the pink, that is.

Pegasus: Oh, I think it's CUTE!!

PsychoKat: You would.

Anaya the Sorceress: "So, what say we let these two work out their differences...alone?"

Wise Page Hadji: "Well... All right..." [to himself] "What could go wrong?"

Peggy: Seems the Wise Page Hadji isn't quite so wise after all.

PsychoKat: Nice plot twist.

Kateri: Thanks.

Pegasus: Hey, somebody stop that Jessie chick! She's gonna wreck that great dress!

Peggy: [regular voice] Well, that about wraps it up for this fic.

PsychoKat: Yeah, let's get out of here before Kateri comes up with some new scheme...

<3 Peggy & the Peeples in her Head, speaking out for the first time in a longtime!

Kateri: Wait! I have the best idea! All I need is four Robot Spies and a tank of Nerve Gas...

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That's a Silver for DBN-HR from the Q1 1999 Wildeys.